Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Tooth, The Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth

This post has nothing to do with religion, elevators, chocolate, road trips, etc. Yeah, yeah—I'll get to that, sure—but right now, it's time to write about the tooth.

My son recently turned five. On the morning of his birthday, he nonchalantly mentioned while masticating and sprinkling cereal over the tabletop, in equal amounts, that he had a loose tooth.

It clearly wasn't a big deal to him; he knew it would come out and he would leave it under his pillow for the tooth fairy, end of story. For me, it was a little alarming. Isn't this a little...early? The kid's body has been trying to grow up way too fast on me. He's 99th percentile for his height—he always shocked people when he told them he was four—and now a loose tooth on the MORNING of his fifth birthday? When is the onset of puberty going to be? The morning of his sixth birthday? Then he'll being home his fiancee when he's seven...sheesh.

So he's been carefully nursing his loose tooth, and won't allow anyone to touch it, and has been extremely proud of it, and has been contemplating what the tooth fairy will bring him.

The other morning I was brushing his teeth, and he stopped to swallow the toothpaste (I can't get him to spit it out to save my life), and...the tooth was gone.

He swallowed it.

Yup.

This worried him. How would the tooth fairy get it now? He was also worried about what was going to happen to the tooth.



We told him not to worry: one night while he was fast asleep, the tooth fairy would come into his bedroom and slit open his belly with a blade made from a shark tooth and take the tooth out.

No, we did NOT tell him that*. I don't want to pay that therapy bill. No, we just had him write a note to the tooth fairy explaining what happened, and see what she would do. Turns out the tooth fairy is very understanding and doesn't mind getting her hands dirty. She left him a little note and a dollar.

*Nor did I tell him that the tooth fairy was a rather demented soul who looked like this. I didn't even tell him that the reason the tooth fairy collects children's teeth is because she craves calcium, and though she'd much rather take your entire skull to munch on—or better yet, your entire skeleton—but she's too small to carry away that much. So she just settles for a tooth. (So many golden opportunities to ruin this child, and I keep passing them up.)

35 comments:

Carrot Jello said...

FIRST!

Carrot Jello said...

Wow, he lost a tooth already?
I'm going to check Nicholas' teeth. He keeps saying they're loose, but I'm pretty sure he's just lying. Trying to get a quarter outta me.

Tirzah said...

Mine still hasn't lost any (he'll be seven in May) ...I guess he comes by it rightfully, he started getting them really late.

Why not warp him?? LOL

Kristine said...

Wow, his first tooth is gone. Good thing he didn't like to eat before he lost the tooth. I can only imagine when Curtis looses his first tooth that he won't want to use his mouth for a few days.

And please do send me a wedding invite to Jake's wedding. Has he met the girl of his dreams yet?

Lindy said...

Your little guy must be like Makai. When he was 4, people were always thinking he was 6 or 7. He's a whole head taller than anyone else in his class.

Congrats to Jake on losing a tooth! He certainly is an early bloomer.

Marie said...

Yum! Nature's calcium pills! I'm glad to know the toothfairy is so much more accommodating of mistakes than that mean ol' Santa is with his naughty and nice rules. Jake certainly doesn't take after me. I was the last kid in my class to lose my first tooth (there was a tooth loss tracking board in my first grade class and my smiling tooth guy was the last one on the board for months...) and I still had baby teeth when I was 14.

I'm glad to know you're still restraining yourself with the fairy mutilation stories. 'Cause if you wet the bed, no Urine Fairy leaves you a dollar and clean sheets.

Jamie said...

My goodness your child is growing up fast. . . I mean, Nathan still has 2 whole weeks until he turns 5. . . and no loose teeth yet. Wow. Go Jake! :)

Jennifer B. said...

Congrats on that first tooth! Life is going by so fast. Enjoy all those opportunities to not warp your child--I am impressed by your creative mind and your ability to resist scarring your kid.

No Cool Story said...

That's the exact same Tooth fairy I was thinking about :E

No Cool Story said...

You are a good mom, writing a nore for the fairy and all.

[I'd have died if I'd swallowed a tooth when I was little.]

Elizabeth-W said...

There's a coprophilia joke here just waiting to be made. Feel free.

Millie said...

Doesn't mind getting her hands dirty? Let's hope not. :)

Yay, the first lost tooth! You'll always remember this one.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I told my oldest daughter (6 at the time) that the Tooth Fairy drowned in the gigantic pee puddle she left in the middle of her bed.

I'm a bad mother.

I'm a bad mother who never has to shell out dollars or quarters for lost teeth.

The End.

dorkelina said...

Warping kids is your duty as a parent. I once got a letter from the fairy council when I was a kid, because my tooth fairy FORGOT to pick up my tooth for a month- and it stated that my tooth fairy had been fired, had all her teeth knocked out, her wings pulled off, and her fairy dust scattered in space. I got a new tooth fairy, I guess, and five bucks for my trouble that time. But I still can imagine that toothless, wingless fairy, tumbling through space with a trail of dust behind her.

Brian said...

Okay that is a really demented tooth fairy.

Jean Knee said...

Lean has swallowed two of her teeth. she also wrote the tooth fairy.

only she wanted to know if we were gonna get her tooth back like they got the necklace back on Marley. that would be NO

Meghan said...

Dear Wynne,
tyler wons the bean game.
-from meghan and tyler

Meghan said...

Congratulations to Jake! Tyler can't wait to lose a tooth.
By the way, "wons" is "wants". :)

Melissa said...

I'm so late in commenting... by now his big tooth has probably already grown in!
When Little Bug lost his first tooth he tried to have us put it back in :)

Millie said...

I miss you, dammit.

Carrot Jello said...

Dammit? Is that your real name?
I'm wondering if I should start planning your funeral. You just let me know. From beyond the veil. I'll be sitting in my closet trying to contact you.

ELASTIC said...

Muskadillo Hormone Replacement Shots is not working.

You need to come back with real, authentic, genuine Muskadillo-ish-ness!

Carrot Jello said...

I'm making plans for you memorial service. Let me know if you can come.

Carrot Jello said...

Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today...
oh wait. nevermind.
I'll be back.

Marie said...

I hope he ate his vegetables for Mother's Day and/or stopped swallowing his teeth. Happy Mother's Day to you! Jake is a very lucky duckling.

If I were a mother, my Mother's Day wish would be a new post from Wynne. I guess I'll have to wait until Christmas to make my wish. I hope you won't make me wait until Christmas.

Jennifer B. said...

Wynne?????

Miss you.

Melissa said...

Hey Wynne... I've been super absent in bloggy land... apparently you have too. You okay??

Jennifer B. said...

Awww. Good luck in your other creative endeavors!

Carrot Jello said...

i should have just gone ahead with my funeral arrangements.
good luck in your creative endeavors.
whatever that means.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

MISS YOU WYNNE!!!!

Jennifer B. said...

Miss you too.

Carrot Jello said...

Miss you most.

Wait,
I miss you much.
Like Janet Jackson.
Miss, miss you much.

Jennifer B. said...

Carrot, you just had to have the first AND the last word. didn't you?

Still missing you Wynne.

Marie said...

Isn't the time right, yet? And if not, can you project when the time might be righted?

Carrot Jello said...

LAST!