Sunday, January 27, 2008

Today is Someone's Birthday

...but I don't want to say whose. I mean, some people are really touchy about birthdays. As if being touchy about your age will actually change something? Take Jake, for example. He made this comment in Sunbeams last week: "I will turn 100 and all my teeth will fall out and I won't know what to do!" Isn't he a little young to be worrying about aging?

And, you know, if I was at liberty to say whose birthday it is today, perhaps I would also be able to share with you what this mysterious person's dream cake would look like. A dream cake that I may have made myself. And that doesn't look at all like the amount of work that went into it. No, instead it looks like a big pile of mud. (At least I can say, in my defense, that it was supposed to look like that.)

And now, for some reason, I am completely worn out. I can't imagine why, though. Isn't a birthday supposed to be a joyous event, and Fun For All?

Maybe. But I would like to say to the makers of the following product:

...may you all rot in hell, you miserable #@!#@!!!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday. See you in a week when I'm rested again.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Why I Haven't Been to Your* Blog Lately**

(Contest still on, by the way.)

It's all Jeff's fault. See, he got me some books for Christmas. It surprised me, because I remember telling him that even though I enjoyed these particular books, I didn't have any particular desire to own them.

The books are actually a boxed set of threethe first two books I had already read, but I hadn't read the last yetand I set them in the back bedroom and pretended they weren't there.

My husband noticed. He wanted to know why, after having them for a month, I hadn't read them yet. Did I want him to take them back?


No, see, I was avoiding them for a reason. These particular books are DANGEROUS. Once you pick them up, you can't put them down again. But to appease the poor husband, I started with the third bookthe one I hadn't readdevoured it in two days, and then I went back and started with the first book again, then on to the second. Then the third book, again.

Dangerous Books

Then I went into mourning because I had read them all and there was nothing more to read, and I kinda...skimmed through them all again.

Pathetic. Now you know where I've been.

But wait, it gets worse.

I went online. Did you know that there are HUNDREDS of web sites dedicated to this set of novels? There are forums, chat rooms, fan-art sites, graphics, debatesit's everywhere. I still couldn't get the dumb story out of my head that I (cringe) did something I never thought I would do, ever: I made some (wince) fan art. I really, really can't believe I did that.

See? (Click for the full-size version. Actually, now that I see it uploaded here in the small version, it looks lousy. Please click for the better-looking version. Please?) And oh, there are more!

The worst part about all of this is I soooo don't have the time to be wasting on this sort of thing. But I couldn't help it! It was taking over my life!

I think that I'm finally coming out of it. The haze has lifted from my eyes. And I have decided that something needs to be done for society at large. These books are extremely addictive and cause people to obsess over them to an unhealthy degree. (Seriously. Go google the main character's names and see what you find.) The Surgeon General has been ignoring my phone calls and the petition I sent in to get these books classified as controlled substances (that S.G. is pretty hoity-toity, if you ask me), and so I have decided it was necessary to take the next step by myself. I have established an organization for those who wish to recover from the adverse effects of reading these books. See:

Please check in. No one here will bite you***. Or phase into any sort of beast. Together, we can recover from this debilitating addiction. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires, and in the words of *sigh* Edward Cullen: "Be safe."

*Meaning, quite specifically: the lady with the waistband of elastic, melissa the mejojac, insane kim (but she says it's temporary), carrottiest of all jell-os, NCS!!! ("nifty craft sack"), jean knee-jerk reaction, grateful to be kathleen, the dorkelina formerly known as pandy, the dread, and kristine. There. Now you know exactly who I have links to in my nav bar. Whee.

**Actually, if you hadn't noticed by now, I'm rather miserable about blogging
consistently. Life constantly gets in the way, and I let it, because I'm like that, and so is life, and blogging is just a hobby, after all. So my attendance on your blog will ALWAYS be sketchy. But it's not because you aren't loved. 'Cause you are loved. So take that and like it.

***Well, if they are really into the books, they might. But I promise that sort of activity will NOT be tolerated, and the bite-ees will promptly be bitten back by yours truly.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Do You Need a Hero?

Every once in awhile, we all need a superhero. But Batman is so hard to get a hold of, Superman's secretary won't return my calls, and Spiderman grosses me out with his snacking habits (insects should NOT be a part of trail mix).

For those of you that find themselves in the same bind as I do, I'd like to introduce a new superhero with some very special abilities:

Friday, January 4, 2008

Another Contest


Have you ever found yourself pestered by insensitive family members, neighbors, or even strangers asking impertinent questions, such as, "So, when are you going to get married?" when you don't even have a prospective spouse on the radar?

Or, once you are married, "So, when are you going to start a family?"

Or, once you have at least one child, "So, when are you going to have another?"

Or, once you have several, "So, are all these kids yours?"

Are you tired of people not being able to mind their own business? Well, I've decided to host another contest here at my blog to help. Proudly presenting:

All you have to do is add your favorite comeback to any of the above situations* to the comments section**. You can enter as many as you like, you can say whatever you want to sayreally, there are no rules. Heck, I don't even want to put a deadline on the contestlet's just see how far it goes until it peters out, shall we?

There will be prizes, however. (Can you say "gift certificate" and "chocolate"*** without drooling?) All you have to do is make me laugh hard enough that I wet myself.

And if you want to put a link on your blog for this contest (like the one I have in my sidebar), here is HTML copy-and-paste so you can add it in a snap:

*Or any other annoying situations you have encountered. I'm not gonna be picky.
**Since this contest was inspired by the comments of Elizabeth W, Jill, and Marie on the Also Not About Flooding post, you three can already consider yourselves entered in this contest. However, feel free to enter again, and again, and again, if it amuses you.
**For those of you with New Year's Resolutions to "be good" as pertaining to food, I promise that a choice of a, healthy reward will be yours, should you win.

Elizabeth W

You will be contacted; prizes will be sent.