Tuesday, February 12, 2008

What's Love Got to Do with It?

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like to feel loved and all thatit's just that this holiday seems to have no meaning other than getting people to spend money, getting plenty of forgetful guys in trouble with their ladies, and making the lonely feel even lonelier. I suppose that, once upon a time, there was cultural significance for this holiday, such as boys dipping slices of goat hide into blood and slapping women and fields with them, all for the sake of fertility. But these days? No bloody goat hide for us, merely a society that equates love with how much junk your honey buys you.

And I don't need to buy some random garbage for my honey to let him know that I love him. Nor do I need him to buy me some crappy singing toy from Hallmark or a stuffed red teddy bear*.

So we've banned Valentine's Day in our house this year.

(Except for the suckers, that is.)

And on that notethat Valentine's is yet another over-marketed holiday that I get annoyed with every time I have to go to the store and see all the TRASH people are trying to sell meI would like to share with you a poem I wrote for a poetry class in college**. The assignment was to write a Valentine's Day poem. In typical wynne-fashion, the first thing that came to mind wasn't sweet or syrupy. It was perverse and entertained me highly. I snickered to myself, and wrote.

Next time class was in session, the professor asked us to read our love poems to the class. (She was really big on that sort of thing.)

So people did. There were lots of hearts and rainbows and mush, and some people may even have written about their mothers. Eventually my turn came.

Here it is:

Valentine's Day Poem

Someday my prince will come
Someday I'll slam an axe into his
neck and mount his head
above my bedroom door.

If not there, perhaps
in my wallet, folded and pressed
very small, the size of a condom,
Where I can look any time

I need to see him in my
debt, or as one of my assets.
Really, any place dark will do
Where my dream can't slip away again:

In the long dark I will store
him, where he won't turn away when I
swear my devotion or offer
him my face to kiss.
At the time I read this, there may have been a classmate or two that were bugging me for a date†. But for some reason, after I read this, neither of them bothered me again. I wonder why††?

*Bears are forbidden. Chocolate, of course, will always be welcome, but hopefully I won't be limited to receiving it on just ONE DAY A YEAR.
**BYU-Idaho, known as "Ricks" in my day.
† This was the pre-Jeff era.
†† Some people just can't take a joke.

25 comments:

Marie said...

Ooooo...this is so Porphyria's Lover. Kill him so he can't ever leave -- I love it. Especially the part about putting him in your debt or making him an asset -- sharp satire there.

Do you care if I add it to my sidebar in celebration of the holiday? I will credit you.

I agree with your assessment of V-day, and that's not just the opinion of a bitter ol' spinster. It's to love what Red Bull is to nutrition and I'll have none of it unless it's the kind of Valentine's Day my mother celebrates -- a little baby cheesecake for each of her babies and a hug.

A sucker would do nicely as well :)

Jean Knee said...

You ...are...just...so...sick






I luv you

Jean Knee said...

Mr Cocka-Doodle-Doo may have a special valentine just for you....tomorrow

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I know I'm condemning myself by saying this...

but you...are brilliant.

Super Happy Girl said...

Nohting says holiday like boys dipping slices of goat hide into blood and slapping women and fields with them!

Super Happy Girl said...

I'm not into Valentine's.

Unless it involves money.

Hmm, maybe even dinner and a movie.
And then more money.

Super Happy Girl said...

I love the part where the head could be inside your wallet, so you could look at it anytime.
Awwww.

Melissa said...

I'm not big on Valentines either... I've never thought of cutting off anyone's head to celebrate though. I may try that this year. I'll let you know how it goes...

Colleen said...

Just the mention of the word "condom" at Ricks is awesome. Love the poem. So utterly twisted.

Kristine said...

was this poem graded? how did the teacher react? did they have you removed from campus immediately and have you expelled? why weren't we friends at ricks? do you like all these questions?

Elizabeth-W said...

I'm with Kristine, wondering if you were referred to Standards for using the word condom (because you shouldn't know what those are yet), and if you were referred to the counseling department.
I would have been friends with you if I'd gone to Ricks. And if we were the same age. At 19 you probably wouldn't have wanted to hang with someone 27.
At the walmart today there were anti-Valentine's Day cards and some were very funny. I think you should sell you idea to Hallmark.

Anonymous said...

That's the Wynne I remember! Funny and strangely disturbing. Dang, I miss you!

I was also just thinking today that I really do not want- and definitely do not need- more heart-shaped pink and red crap.

All I want is treasure these days, and I am happy to accept it any day of the year. Yar!!

Anonymous said...

I call it St. De Beers/Hallmark/See's/FTD Day. And I'm sure that's the shortened version.

Happy Feburary 13th today!

wynne said...

marie--of COURSE I don't care if you add it to your sidebar. You can replace the "Flood washington with relief" (since that drive is over).

Be careful, though--it may frighten off potential suitors.

I like the word "spinster." Spinster, spinster. Fun to say. I think it would describe a spider better than a woman who has been fortunate enough NOT to have landed herself a husband.

jean knee--aw, shucks. I love you and Mr.CDD right back. (Especially Mr.CDD with a lil' sauce on him, and a side of rice pilaf.)

kimberly--those kinds of comments just aren't allowed. You are in violation of the Keep-Wynne's-Head-from-Swelling treaty. Small green med will be popping out of your walls and drains at any moment to come collect you.

NCS--I considered trying to find some strips of goathide and some blood, and sending those around as Valentines, but for some reason, Jeff vetoed it. Too bad, huh? Wouldn't you want to receive a stinky and dripping package in the mail?

melissa--Nah. Whose head would you chop off? Besides, then you'd have to clean up the mess...there must be a better way...

colleen--hello again! And what did you say? Did you say "Ricks" and "condom" in the same sentence? Beware, for ye shall be struck down from on high! With a snowball!

kristine--The only reason I was taking a poetry class at all was because of the professor. (I don't care about poetry much, for its own sake.) I had taken her creative writing course the semester before, and she insisted that I take her poetry class. I...didn't want to. But I did. Neither of us had any regrets. And she was more than used to me by that time--she liked the poem (since she wasn't a boy and because she understood it wasn't a reflection of my...er, true desires. Most of the time, anyway).

elizabeth--Nah. No referrals. But the...what was it called? Honor...standards...uh...y'know, the weird policing type-thing they had going on...I had some run-ins with it, but not because I got in trouble. There's something I need to scan for you if I can find it...

Does anyone know how hard it is to type when you have a cat half-sitting on one of your hands?

And EW--let's be honest here. At 19, I had no problems hanging out with 27-year-ols. What's age to me? But at 27, you wouldn't have been very likely to want to hang out with a hyper teenager.

dorkelina--Treasure, huh? Me, too. I always wanted to grow up and be a pirate. With a mohawk. (Jeff has vetoed that, as well.)

wynne said...

compulsive--isn't that the truth?
St. De Beers...I like that.

omar said...

Regarding the not celebrating Valentine's day: Is this one of those, "I say I don't want you to get me anything, but if you end up taking me at my word and actually don't get me anything, not even a card, I'll be disappointed and harbor that disappointment for years to come" kind of things?

Jennifer B. said...

I see your love of Halloween has seeped into other holidays as well. Your poem was . . .Poe-esque. All it's missing is a raven.

Happy Valentine's sucka!

(And I mean that in the nicest way possible.)

Anonymous said...

Wynne, your poem puts "A Rose for Emily" to freaking SHAME for authentic creepiness. Also, you rock. Kudos!

-from Elisa's friend Janelle

elasticwaistbandlady said...

My poems always start out with a
"Here I sit all broken-hearted....."

Or:
"Beans, beans are good for the heart...."

Carrot Jello said...

Happy Valentines Day You fabulous gal.

Unknown said...

he he wynne.

i'm with ya sister. i like just sending my favorite people something sweet whenever i feel like it, out of the blue, for no particular reason. i don't need a societal imposed magic day to suddenly remind that i feel obligated to send something to someone i care for.

we get to shower our people on our terms, whenever we feel like it. i can just see you getting your roll of duct tape a vday card! hahahah. take care girl, kathleen :)

Unknown said...

you are just a riot. i love coming to see you everytime.

later you,
kathleen

elasticwaistbandlady said...

How long must I wait for you to come see your pimpefied Randy Travis picture in action???!!!??

Jamie said...

You crack me up. Whenever I need to laugh, I just go to your blog. That's meant to be a compliment!

Brian said...

Wynne, wow that is some poem. We met at Ricks and I can say for a fact that if I was in that English class I probably would have never gotten to know you. I am glad we met in Bio 100, we had some good times at Ricks and BYU.