Wisdom from a Lawn Mower Manual
The other day I got a real treat: I got to mow the lawn.
The best part of the whole thing, though (aside from the sweat and staining some old sneakers green), was perusing through the lawn mower manual. I mean—wow! What fun! I was really excited just to get out there and mow some grass, but that manual was like finding the toy in the Crackerjack box, like finding a $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in years, like finding a severed finger in your Egg McMuffin!
Um, okay. Not that last one.
But the manual was an interesting read. It had everything! Look at this:
It was fraught with peril!
...there was a great deal of suspense and ACTION...I mean, c'mon, SEVERED FINGERS, people!
There was even some guy who was shooting...something...out of his eyes (I think he was a superhero)...
...and the conclusion was quite shocking!
(So is the suspense killing you? Are you just dying to know if any fingers were severed, or if the eye protection actually saved anybody from the toxic fumes and explosions? And...I probably shouldn't mention this, but the butler didn't do it.)
Of course, it did have its faults. There were one or two unbearably stupid plot twists (yeah—who didn't see that one coming? "STOP" means stop? Really? And why do I need a reminder to read the manual if I'll only ever see it while I'm reading the manual?)
...and there was one part of the plot with genuine WITH CHEESE?!?* factor:
(I mean, really. How are you going to get frostbite from a lawn mower?)
But overall, I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Let me leave you with two of my most favorite quotes from this engrossing read—quotes of such scintillating, brilliant wisdom—that they quite literally took my breath away:
And yet another pearl of wisdom, shimmering on the shores of truth:
"I'd highly recommend this to anyone who is planning to mow a lawn anytime in their future. Gripping and extraordinary!" —Made-Up Big-City Chronicle
*Most people would call this the WTF factor, but I find using "WTF" a little crude (it means "weasels that fart," and I'm tired of jokes about the passing of gas and jokes that disrespect the weasel community). Someone once mentioned that the equivalent to WTF in Spanish is "con queso," which, if I know Spanish, translates back into English as "with cheese." And so, there you have it. Another convoluted wynne-ism.
13 comments:
I never knew instruction manuals could be so thrilling! I loved all of the graphics.
How's Spokane treating you?? Where did you guys end up? I grew up in Mead, but my mom keeps moving further north!
Con queso?
Really? Seriously? For reals?
Maybe I'm just way too tired then.
You know what I love Wynne?
I love those little warning pictures. I LOVE them, they tell a complete story. Severed fingers, death, decapitations, you name it, it's all there.
So, thanks Wynne. Thank you.
(Or Gracias as we, my people, would say it)
You know what I don't like though?
Extra warnings. If something has too many warnings I don't use it.
Heck, I am just a little Mexi and I don't have the proper training to operate something so dangerous.
I don't even know my left from my right!
Frostbite? Chemicals? Fumes? FIRE?
No.
(No gracias, as me and my people would say it)
Wow! And you never can assume children are where you last saw them. So you don't need to keep this manual just for lawn mowing. It can help you with your life, too!
"Never assume that children will remain where you last saw them."
Bwaaaaa ha ha! If only Dr Spock phrased things so delightfully.
I've met some funny manuals in my time, but this one takes the cake. Though I suspect I would not have noticed its utter brilliance had it not first traveled the twisted hallways of Wynne's brain.
More, more! Find more banality and make it brilliant! Next stop, day three of the Democratic National Convention!
At least it seems like it was written by someone for whom English is the native tongue.
natalie--I'll email you.
NCS--De nada. (Did I say that right? My Spanish skills are waaaaay below sub-par. You might say that they suck. CHUPAME, ESPANOL! (Okay, I know I got that wrong. Whatever.) So, of course, I have no idea if there is any validity whatsoever to the "with cheese" theory, but this is the internet, so if I publish it, that makes it true. Right? Um, right?
And I guess that's why I wrote this post--I was shocked at all the ways a lawn mower could kill you. I had no idea. I've been using them all my life, and here they were, being all weapon-of-mass-destruction on me. Who knew?
tirzah--Yeah. It may be replacing the Bible for me.
marie--oh, c'mon. Nearly every manual you pick up has some absolutely ridiculous bits in it. You and me both have probably written ridiculous bits in similar manuals. (Well, I KNOW I have. Curse School Manager!) As far as the Democratic Convention goes--that's way beyond me, but I'm sure that John Carpenter could adapt the thing into one heck of a horror flick...*shudder*
elizabeth w--true. But on so many levels, that makes it so much worse...
Hee hee...you find humour in the most mundane of places. I lurve that about you.
Well, maybe your "blade doesn't know the difference between cutting you or the grass", but I have a very intelligent lawn mower. Graduated Magnum Cum Laude from Cal State where it majored in Grass and Weed...
Perhaps there are people out there who try to use their lawn mowers for snow blowers? You could try it out this winter if you'd like... I would volunteer, but, ya know, we don't get snow and stuff.
I actually have never read a manual before. no longer--
the next time I run out of good books I'll head over to the manual drawer for many hours of entertainment
Pure comedy. You are so good to read the manual, if only I had known they would be entertaining and have such life changing insights!
It's so awful that you can say something like "WTF stands for 'weasels that fart'" and I will laugh my fool head off and call you a literary genius that I must endow with offerings of roses and chocolate. I mean, if I were weird and creepy like that.
Children might not stay where I last saw them? NOOOOO.
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