Monday, May 7, 2007

Desperate Times

For those of you who didn't pick it up from the Floyd post, we're moving soon to the Land of Trees and Excessive Water. I am excited about this, except for one thing: I will be losing the sad little harvest of friends I’ve managed to scrape together out of this barren Las Vegas desert. (Admittedly, some of these friends are imaginary—but some aren’t. I think. (You are real, aren’t you, Kristine?))

What if, when we get to the new place, I can’t find any friends there? I’ve considered making some out of clay and the like, but for Jake's well-being, I've decided that they should probably be real people. So I decided to turn to my dear friend, Dale Carnegie, and a section from his inspired book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

(The first time I flipped through this book (only at the insistence of a former roommate, of course), I thought—well, maybe some of the advice was okay, but it seemed a little…manipulative? Perhaps a little sick to make social relations into a science so you can get what you want? But I have come to reconsider my original position, and now properly pay obeisance to the genius that is Dale Carnegie.)

I’ve done my own research, and I thought I would share it with you. (Dale’s original suggestions are in blue; I have added my own suggestions and interpretations after.) Who knows? Perhaps you also will find it to be beneficial…

Six Ways to Make People Like You

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

    Go through their garbage. If you can afford it, get their house bugged. When they are out of town, break into their house and look inside their medicine cabinets, see what they have on their bookshelves, see what they are hiding under the bed. This is really the best way to get to know others intimately in a short period of time.

  1. Smile.

    Often and largely. (It helps if you apply Vaseline to your teeth.) And keep smiling, no matter what. Especially if the person begins to react to you in a hostile manner, clubbing you with her umbrella and screamingget away from me, you creep!”—just keep smiling. It will pay off in the end.

    (And a little snazzy hygeine wouldn't hurt, either.)

  1. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

    So when you’ve run out of things to say, just repeat the person’s name, ad nauseam, like this: “Soooo…Jen.” (short pause) “Jen.” “Jenn-o.” “Jenna-benna-bo-benna.” (pause) “Jen.”

    There is no a way this technique could lose. I mean, it got James Cameron an Oscar! Remember The Titanic—? “Jack.” “Rose.” “Jack.” “Rose!” “Jack?” “Roooose.”

  1. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

    Like this:

    "Hey—did you know you talk in your sleep?
    You said something really interesting last night—'can’t make fish tacos'—would you tell me what you were dreaming of?

    "How did I know that? Well, I stand outside your window most nights hoping you will look out the window—I know how much you like stargazing, and—

    "Well, I know that because I broke into your house the other n—ow! Wow, you’re really good at swinging that baseball bat! Owowow!"

    (Remember, keep smiling!)

  1. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

    You don't necessarily have to talk about their interests—you can use their interests to make them come to you. For example, since going through a person’s garbage in step 1, you will discover that the person likes, oh, say, Twinkies. (Or Glade plug-ins, cold medicine, or anti-fungal powder. Doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you know they like it.) Take one of these prized items, tie some fishing line securely to it and leave the item lying on the ground in a place they are likely to walk, hold on firmly to your end and hide in some nearby bushes with a blunt object. Guaranteed success.

  1. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

    Try:
    • Worship services. Make a holy shrine of the garbage they have tossed away, and display it in a prominent place that they are likely to see.
    • Follow them wherever they go and, every chance you get, shout, “YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!”
    • Perhaps rent a marching band to follow them to work, and serenade them from the parking lot.
    • Or, at the very least, give them food every morning when you have them locked securely in your basement where they can no longer ignore you or try to get away from you. Yeah. That’s it. And let them use the bathroom, too. Now, wouldn’t that make you feel special?
I feel much better after this little exercise. I'm sure I'll make plenty of friends in no time at all!

18 comments:

Amanda said...

Yeah, sounds like a great way to make some new friends, in jail. lol Good luck with your move.

You are such a hoot. Kathleen at "so grateful to be a mormon" gave your blog such a great review I had to come check it out.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I find it hard to believe that someone as intelligent and funny as you could possibly have a hard time making new friends. But then, I'm intelligent (arrogant) and funny (funny strange, that is), and I have issues with it myself.

I'm going to print out this post and put it on my fridge. Soon, I'll by the most popular gal in town! Yeah!

wynne said...

hi amanda! Welcome. And seriously, I can't WAIT for jail. See, all those people are going to be locked in the same cell with me and they won't be able to get away!

kimberly--I suck at making friends. It usually goes like this:
"hi, my name is wynne! would you be my friend?"
"excuse me--your name is lynn?"
"wynne."
"wendy?"
"wynne."
"I'm sorry--wendy, is it? You've got some...um...toilet paper hanging out of the back of your pants."
"Oh."

I really suck at it, I really do!

Marie said...

Wynne, it's time to let Gladys Knight out of your broom closet. There will be new broom closets and new Motown divas where you're going.

I always thought "How to Win Friends" was creepy. And creepier was learning that someone I liked was one of its disciples. I would start wondering, "is THAT why she laughs at my stupid jokes?"

Anonymous said...

hi wynne! you earn the "flippin' funny bloggy award" today from me!

you are a hoot girl!

thanks for making me laugh, pause, and go, wow, how did she come up with "anti-fungal ...?" i like the way you think.

too funny. i would be your friend any day :) ~kathleen bo beana kathleeny-beany

Elizabeth-W said...

There are lots of lovely bloggy ladies in the NW who might help ease your transition from the dry to the wet. They just had a big powwow a couple weeks ago, remember? Let's see if we could get them to become a not-so-virtual welcome wagon. What do ya' think??

Jennifer B. said...

I have had the most fun perusing your blog. Love it!

Anonymous said...

You are just too funny! I also found you from "so grateful to be a mormon". I love this post and the name of your blog, too!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I read a Las Vegas version of 'How To Win Friends.' And win friends I did! They were the grand prize awarded to the winner of the blackjack tournament. Sadly, I then lost all my friends a week later in a game of craps.

You talked about Twinkies and anti-fungal powder in the same post. I demand to know where you've been my whole blogging life and why we aren't Bloggy BFF's!

Anonymous said...

I am just a figment of your imagination. I don't really exist.

Now can you please tell that to the people who keep calling me wife and mommy?

Sally Anne said...

For some reason I just had a memory of you at my 16th birthday party:

"Can we tie up the clown?"

Weird! That was the last birthday party I had.

wynne said...

marie--No, no, no. It's Gladys who keeps the Pips locked up in her basement. I don't even have a basement.

grateful--you'd be my friend? Really? (How much do I owe you?)

elizabeth-w--REALLY? I don't think I knew about the powwow. Real people, and not just virtual friends? Hey, yeah, if you can coerece some women into being my friends, that would be GREAT! (So, now, how much do I owe you?)

jennifer b--welcome, and come again.

tirzah--thank you. Come again.

the lights ELASTIC--I think we aren't bloggy BFF (bonus french fries) because after this post, you're probably scared that I'm stalking you. Still--I really, really do like your blog!

kristine--don't think you can get away that easily!

pandy--A clown? I remember the party, but I don't remember the clown. Really?

Melissa said...

I'm hearing ya on the friend thing. Sigh. We have been married for 9 1/2 years and have lived in 7 different cities. You could try the clay friends, but I find that they crumble when you try to hug them. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, they get a little squishy.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Who's to say that I'm not stalking you? Huh? What if I have a sick little muskadillo fetish, and I come here looking for muskadillo porn on a daily basis?

What do you really know about me aside from the fact that I wear elastic waist band pants?

Anonymous said...

EWBL: wynne is MY bloggy BFF, too! can we share? :)

melissa: my shoulder is here anytime you need it :). i have totally enjoyed your blog and comments and notes so much in the last month.

wynne: i would be your bloggy BFF anyday of the week. :)

ps. way cool how some folks have told you that they checked out your blog for the first time since reading my post on your blog the other day. that is cool to connect goodness and wildness.

~tootles girl :) kathleen

Elizabeth-W said...

Talk to Kimberly--she was there. They had about 8 women or so. I'm so jealous I could spit. :)
I don't know what town you're moving to, but Carrot Jello is in WA, and Millie and No Cool Story are in the Portland/Vancouver area.
I'm trying to decide how I'd like my payment.... ;)

Anonymous said...

wynne: for my payment, i accept chocolate in "good mail." email me (on my profile) and i will send you my mailing address. he he

~too fun. take care, kathleen :)

Christina said...

I'm just glad that you fed me from time to time Freshman year. And look how that turned out! (I ran away to Latvia to get as far away as possible..wait, no, that's not what happened...) Honestly? I don't know how it works out making new friends either. I just moved across the country and I didn't know ANYONE! (well, maybe like 2 people) Anyway, I firmly believe that like attracts like...you'll find new friends at your next meeting for "Blogging SAHMs Who Dress up Cats and Photograph Them". I also believe that Heavenly Father puts the best people in your path - for you...or He stuffs you in a room with them and forces you to be friends...wait, THAT'S not what happened! What is WRONG with my memory?

And if you need a friend, hop online and I'll be your virtual friend (sad substitute for the real thing, I know. Sorry! You are welcome to call anytime too!)

Best of luck employing your newly found skills. Do be sure to get that stuff published! It's some valuable information that the world must hear. :)