Desperate Times

For those of you who didn't pick it up from the Floyd post, we're moving soon to the Land of Trees and Excessive Water. I am excited about this, except for one thing: I will be losing the sad little harvest of friends I’ve managed to scrape together out of this barren Las Vegas desert. (Admittedly, some of these friends are imaginary—but some aren’t. I think. (You are real, aren’t you, Kristine?))

What if, when we get to the new place, I can’t find any friends there? I’ve considered making some out of clay and the like, but for Jake's well-being, I've decided that they should probably be real people. So I decided to turn to my dear friend, Dale Carnegie, and a section from his inspired book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

(The first time I flipped through this book (only at the insistence of a former roommate, of course), I thought—well, maybe some of the advice was okay, but it seemed a little…manipulative? Perhaps a little sick to make social relations into a science so you can get what you want? But I have come to reconsider my original position, and now properly pay obeisance to the genius that is Dale Carnegie.)

I’ve done my own research, and I thought I would share it with you. (Dale’s original suggestions are in blue; I have added my own suggestions and interpretations after.) Who knows? Perhaps you also will find it to be beneficial…

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
   
   Go through their garbage. If you can afford it, get their house bugged. When they are out of town, break into their house and look inside their medicine cabinets, see what they have on their bookshelves, see what they are hiding under the bed. This is really the best way to get to know others intimately in a short period of time.

2. Smile.
   
   Often and largely. (It helps if you apply Vaseline to your teeth.) And keep smiling, no matter what. Especially if the person begins to react to you in a hostile manner, clubbing you with her umbrella and screaming “get away from me, you creep!”—just keep smiling. It will pay off in the end.
   
   (And a little snazzy hygeine wouldn't hurt, either.)
   

3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
   
   So when you’ve run out of things to say, just repeat the person’s name, ad nauseam, like this: “Soooo…Jen.” (short pause) “Jen.” “Jenn-o.” “Jenna-benna-bo-benna.” (pause) “Jen.”
   
   There is no a way this technique could lose. I mean, it got James Cameron an Oscar! Remember The Titanic—? “Jack.” “Rose.” “Jack.” “Rose!” “Jack?” “Roooose.”

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
   
   Like this:
   
   "Hey—did you know you talk in your sleep? You said something really interesting last night—'can’t make fish tacos'—would you tell me what you were dreaming of?
   
   "How did I know that? Well, I stand outside your window most nights hoping you will look out the window—I know how much you like stargazing, and—
   
   "Well, I know that because I broke into your house the other n—ow! Wow, you’re really good at swinging that baseball bat! Owowow!"
   
   (Remember, keep smiling!)

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
   
   You don't necessarily have to talk about their interests—you can use their interests to make them come to you. For example, since going through a person’s garbage in step 1, you will discover that the person likes, oh, say, Twinkies. (Or Glade plug-ins, cold medicine, or anti-fungal powder. Doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you know they like it.) Take one of these prized items, tie some fishing line securely to it and leave the item lying on the ground in a place they are likely to walk, hold on firmly to your end and hide in some nearby bushes with a blunt object. Guaranteed success.

6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
   
   Try:
   
   • Worship services. Make a holy shrine of the garbage they have tossed away, and display it in a prominent place that they are likely to see.
   • Follow them wherever they go and, every chance you get, shout, “YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!”
   • Perhaps rent a marching band to follow them to work, and serenade them from the parking lot.
   • Or, at the very least, give them food every morning when you have them locked securely in your basement where they can no longer ignore you or try to get away from you. Yeah. That’s it. And let them use the bathroom, too. Now, wouldn’t that make you feel special?

I feel much better after this little exercise. I'm sure I'll make plenty of friends in no time at all!