Where Have You Been? (speaking to my sanity)
I have not been in the best mood. Perhaps it has something to do with trying to sell our townhouse. (If anyone has ever sold a home, perhaps you know the paradox it implies: you must keep your home in Martha-Stewart order to trick someone into buying it while at the same time packing everything you own into boxes. Add one toddler, one cat, and one woman who just doesn't give a shriveled fig anymore = my stupid non-mood-enhancing LIFE.)
Who the heck wants to buy a townhouse? No one—and that is why no one is coming to look at it. Why did we buy it in the first place? How is it that there are only two and a half weeks before Moving Day? Where has all the time gone? And has anyone seen my sanity lying around? (It was wrinkled and had frayed edges, if that helps...)
And to make my mood worse, I have to make dinner. I hate cooking. But someone told me that you have to eat to live, so I keep doing it. It wouldn't be so bad if it were only making dinner. But I'm also supposed to eat it. AND...there is another problem, but I think a diagram would explain it best. (Sorry I don't have Flash capabilites right now—this would be much better in Flash.) Okay, you ready?
This should be me in any given 15-minute period during dinner preparation:
No big deal, right? But instead, it ends up looking more like this:
See, the cat is my nemesis.
I won't see him all day long because he is curled up in some little hidey-hole somewhere, fast asleep. But as soon as I step into the kitchen? KAPOW! In strolls His Tubbiness—all 16 orange pounds of him—ears up and interested, wee pink nose delicately quivering—*meow. Are you making something for me? meow.* He is the fattest orange beggar alive, and he will eat ANYTHING. And the whole time I have to make dinner, there he is, rubbing and purring and moew-yodeling and BEEEEEGGGGING.
*sigh* At least Jake behaves, and only comes in every five minutes to see what I'm doing, and to tell me how he isn't going to eat that food—he only eats Jake food (tortilla, cheese, and grapes), but daddy and I are welcome to eat whatever we please.
Thanks.
As for the cat...
a solution is beginning to present itself.
22 comments:
I'm starting to wonder how I ever survived without your blog to delight and amuse me. You're adorable!
I know this is just an insane idea, but....could you lock the cat in a room during the witching hour?
Not being a cat person maybe that is considered cruel....But if I can ban my offspring from coming onto 'tile' while I'm making dinner, I'm thinking the same thing could go for the feline :)
The biggest thing that keeps me from moving? The 100% tidy standard required to sell. I'm so sorry!
Oh dear you have it easy.
Jake only comes in every 5 minutes you say?
Hmm, I'm liking the cat in the closed room idea... as in extending it to children...
I feel truly bad for anyone who is trying to move (regardless of how nice your place is supposed to look, it sucks to pack!)
Best wishes.
Ooo a new idea!
You said your cat eats anything, what about putting a dab of peanut butter or something sticky somewhere that would take awhile to lick off?
Ah-ha-- how about spreading something he might lick off directly on top of a tough spot/stain you've been trying to clean in order to show the house?
Double duty. ;)
hi wynne: i am wondering the same thing kimberly said to you. i like the way you think. i loved your diagram!
okay, suggest you put a leash on the cat and or put the cat in another room during the food making time. jasper will maybe get the hint eventually.
when our little doggies are driving us bonkers with their yipping because they just saw a dog or a child, we sometimes put them inside the bathroom. they chill out, quiet down, and when we let them out, they usually look all sad and guilty but continue to be good for awhile.
so sorry you have to do all this moving garbage. i have always hated moving. but this too shall pass. it came to pass, it didn't come to stay. a friend of mine told me this one, love it.
chin up girl, happy trails :) kathleen
This yet another reason I have no pets. I keep Ringo penned up in the living/dining room area, or I do a similar kitchen-dance with him (with fewer incidences of leaping onto things and more expletives, though).
You have my deepest sympathy about the move. At least when I had to do it last year, some guys showed up, took all the stuff I wanted them to, and put in in big crates bound for Italy. All I had to do then was clean my house until the landlord was satisfied. I hate moving. It's making me shake just thinking about it.
I think I meant empathy. Yeah. I'm only halfway through my first cup of coffee. Brain's idling rough.
You have such a way with words!! It is really fun to read your blog!! Good luck with the cat and the home selling. We are going to try to sell our townhouse in a year or so!
duct tape, Wynne, dearest..evertime the cat comes near you, stick a little duct tape to its paws..not only will it be kept busy trying to gnaw it off, it will eventually get the hint..well, unless you have a crazy bondage fetish cat..
p.s. I want a townhouse..houses blow and apartments have no storage
You are hilarious!
I was waiting to see the child in your diagram. Apparantly the kid listens better than the kitty. Usually it is my kids that come from the far corners of the house as soon as I open a cupboard "What are we having????"
Personally I don't think the cat would taste very good, you'd be better off locking him up somewhere. That is if you can stand to listen to his pitiful cries of anquish while he is banished!
Good luck with your move!
Is that a cat stew? Or more of a cat casserole? I always thought you were supposed to remove the hair first... hmm... :D I'm sorry you are having such a crazy time. Hopefully your home will sell quickly and the cat will get the message to stay away!
You should set the cat to work licking the "filthy dishes" clean, as it is clear that you are avoiding them at all costs. Sprinkle a little tuna juice on them and watch him go to to town! He is a hefty-looking beast and I bet he would not be above lapping up ice cream puddles and chicken grease while you cook. Cat stew isn't a bad option, but you may as well save him until you really need the food. Consider him your cuddly walking food storage.
I love the diagrams. More diagrams, please.
kimberly--you are so kind. But please, stop inflating my head. Haven't we already been over this?
elizabeth-w--YES! Actually, I lock him up on a regular basis. (And I do mean *lock* because the cat can open doors.) We actually have to lock him in the bathroom every night because he had this horrible, horrible habit of crawling under the covers at 12am and chewing on my legs. Or licking my forehead. Or sitting on my chest and meowing. He never bothered Jeff, though. See? Cat = my nemesis. By now, I've mostly gotten used to him and only lock him up on super-cranky days. I mostly did this post so I had an excuse to try my hand at a diagram.
blueyedboys--Adri? *squinting* Is that you? Hi! Peanut butter isn't a bad idea at all. I could put it on his forehead. Bet that would keep him busy for awhile. I'll let you know what happens.
kathleen--hi-dee-ho! More good advice, thanks. I think, though, that he would never get the hint. This is a cat who refuses to take them. When we first got him, I tried various methods of training him--rolled newspaper, spray bottle of water, loud noises, etc--and nothing worked. I have NEVER seen a cat that you can spray water full on in his face and he continues to stay right where he is and stare at you like you're loony. And *why* are you spraying water in his face? Stupid human. The only thing that does work is the bodily removal.
pandy--It took me a full two years to figure out how to make dinner with Jake around. I'm impressed you can even make dinner at all, what with Ringo, George, and Italy grocery stores. Very impressive.
tirzah--hope you have much better luck than we're having! Dumb townhouses.
dread pirate--well, hello there! My own private pirate! You wanna townhouse? Wanna move to Vegas? (And the duct tape idea is a good one--I've done it with just regular tape--but Jeff always says I'm cruel. And Jasper can get it off in about two seconds. And then he's mad at me for a week.)
amanda--are you sure the cat wouldn't taste good? Didn't that picture have your mouth watering? Me, I've never had cat, but I'm willing to give almost anything at least one try. (Want to come over for dinner sometime?)
melissa--it's pan-fried cat with pomegranate garnish. You leave the fur on, but baste with a rich honey sauce. Eventually the fur carmelizes, and it adds a sweet crunch to contrast with the tender cat meat. Mmmm.
marie--HI! What if I were to make him a wee collar out of a tuna can and attach a leash to it? You wouldn't happen to have a tuna can with the bottom cut off of it, would you?
***
Walking food storage, huh? I'll keep that in mind...
I had no idea that cat fur would carmelize! What have I been missing out on?! Maybe I'll have to get myself some "walking food storage"
do you teach a class in "walking food storage" in combined relief society/priesthood? hee hee loved it. i would do duct tape. hilarious idea! and you had yourself a catterole there, not a casserole. :) happy night :) kathleen
ps. more diagrams, more you ... :)
Congratulations! You just made me feel like my life was easy--I have seven children, but NO cat! Thanks for the laugh =)
good luck finding your sanity. maybe mine is with yours.
i hate cooking dinner too. although I don't have a trusty fur ball on my heels the whole time. Just an annoying toddler either screaming to eat right than or screaming "I don't want dinner".
info--welcome. I'll let you know if I find any sanity at all. At this point, I could care less if it's mine--I'll take anyone's. But I'll share. Come again.
jennifer b--are you serious? I don't see how seven children can compare to one child and one cat (I grew up in a household with seven kids, one cat, four dogs, a tortoise, a rabbit, assorted mice, parakeets, and reptiles, and there's NO WAY it compares). Thanks for making me laugh!
so grateful--I'll ask the Bishop.
melissa--yup. Carmelize. Yum, yum.
I prefer cat-tartare, myself. Mmmm. (Um, all of a sudden I just had a vision of the big burly PETA people breathing down my neck. Oh nevermind, it's just my roommate. She's kind of annoying...hmmm, roommate-tartare, anyone?)
Oh and by the way your little maps reminded me of the Family Circus cartoons. Hm...any similarities, maybe? Have you been wearing any spandex lately or swinging from a trapeze? Or is that maybe left to Jake and Jasper? Could earn you a pretty penny if you took it on the road.
Good luck with packing/selling/circusing/cat-jumping/child-wrangling/cooking/breathing/eating/wifing, especially in the next few weeks. :)
Your Jake doesn't bother you? My child is my cat. Your diagram is SPOT on.
christina--Family Circus? Wow, I hope not. (I never did like it much.) I don't remember there being any diagrams in that cartoon...
azucar--well, yes, Jake does bother me in the kitchen, but talking about the cat had more...laugh potential. (I think that if I had photoshopped a picture of my kid into a frying pan it really wouldn't have been that funny, y'know? Maybe?)
howdy wynne: use more duct tape next time on jasper. might help.
~happy Sabbath, kathleen :)
ps. my 15 y/o daughter walked by and saw the picture of jasper in the pan on the stove. it definitely caught her attention. she thought it was funny :)
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